12/8 - Welcome to another look inside my mind.
It's now two months since I returned from France. The job hunt is in full force and busy crushing my spirit like an industrial trash compactor slowly compressing the frame of an old, rusty car.
I've done a bit of traveling since I've returned, such as to Los Angeles, Reno, Pacifica and San Francisco; my home state boasts traffic as insufferable as ever, but it's all worth the struggles. There hasn't been any airplane rides since June, though.
To pass my time, I'm volunteering at the local animal shelter a few hours a week, joined the Lions Club and lending my driving skills to the Community Care Car, which is essentially a taxi seniors can use to get to their medical appointments. After a year of reflection, I now understand that my individual selfishness brought on by being an only child can be mitigated with volunteerism; I'm putting others before myself and my own needs for a change.
These past two months have been more difficult than I expected, though. I've become overwhelmed with the job hunt and conflicting ideas of what I should be doing at this point in my life, and what I'm actually doing. I've come to define myself based on the fact I don't have a paying job, I rely on my parents for everything now and can't do the things I want to do.
In reality, this shit shouldn't matter. But it does in my head, and I've defined myself on these perceived negative aspects of my life at the moment. This has driven down my mood.
19/8 - For the first time in my life, I'm seeing a psychotherapist.
It's been nice to talk openly to a professional about the stuff I think about myself on a daily basis. I've written here before about vulnerability and shame, and the therapist shared a TED Talk with me regarding those ideas.
In that speech, the speaker studied the concept of shame and vulnerability; she was an expert. She talked about how vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage. She pointed out that shame is cultivated through silence, secrecy and judgement, and it made total sense to me.
Among some of the things we talked about, one of the most important so far is the concept of self-compassion. It's a skill I've forgotten because I've gotten used to other people assuring me that I'm a good person. Sometimes, I need to remind myself that I'm doing good work.
While in France, I learned of a Buddhist concept called "Dharma" which refers to one's purpose in the here and now. Earlier today I thought of it again, and wondered if my downturn in mood corresponded with the fact I lost sight of my purpose for here and now, which is to paint my parents' house, help them out in any way I can and volunteer while I look for a job.
I was living too much in the future, comparing myself to others and feeling a particularly poisonous emotion: envy; along the way I lost sight of my Dharma. That resulted in several weeks of the kind of depression I've felt only once before: in 2011 while attending the University of Nevada, Reno.
Anyway, not having written for two months means there are several new photos I'd like to share with all of you. I'm starting to see that photography is a brilliant distraction from whatever I'm feeling, as I've discussed briefly before.
It's fun to see how this camera can make mundane things become...unmundane.
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| Downtown Los Angeles |
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| Reno, at the Circus Circus |
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| Fort Baker on the north side of San Francisco bay |
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| The Ranger at the Yolo County Fair |
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| Truckee River along I-80 |
21/8 - I've been putting too much pressure on myself. I'm just going to relax. Be positive, set goals and never quit. It's all I can do.
