A haircut, anonymity and chakras

23/2 - The wolf has awoken.

I noticed something earlier today when I was sitting in the coiffure (barber) chair and looking at myself in the mirror, while the French woman with the firetruck-red hair and black leather jacket carefully cleaned up my head.

The ghost of a grin was on my face. Yes, I love getting a haircut, but this was more than that. Even to myself, I felt a bit of mystery. Why did I have that twinkle in my eye? Why was I smirking like that? It probably looked odd to the woman cutting my hair.

I examined my own features and found that I liked them! Even my lazy eyelid looks cool now because it provides my face with asymmetry. My bushier-by-the-day beard elongates my round face, and the faint lines on my still-young forehead gives it character. I looked directly into my hazel, gray-green eyes and pictured my inner wolf; It was smiling as well, sitting proudly upright and excited to have gained a bit of knowledge about itself.

I met a friend for a drink tonight at a local brewery here in Cherbourg, and the first thing she said was that my new haircut looks great and I have a different look in my eye from the last time we saw each other. Was it a coincidence from earlier today?

Soul searching for the past couple of weeks has been illuminating for me. It's helped me to understand that I must carry the lessons from the past with me, but not the guilt of previous mistakes. It's taught me that memory is unreliable when it comes to remembering exactly who we were in the past, because our own memories are in a constant state of flux.

But most of all, this soul searching has uncovered my inner wolf and helped it break free of its self-imposed muzzle, collar and leash.

24/2 - The wolf is not an alcoholic. Never has been. But Step No. 12 (Twelfth Tradition) of Alcoholics Anonymous captured its imagination today.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. 

One must put aside their personal desires, emotions and self-beliefs for the good of all. Anonymity can also be represented by selflessness; these two abstract ideas can mirror each other. Anonymity can be achieved through selflessness, but selflessness can also be achieved through anonymity. There is, however, a minor roadblock to both: we can never achieve total selflessness or anonymity because neither totally agrees with the human mind.

The very concept of anonymity, especially in our capitalistic society where social media exists, is a foreign idea (and somewhat feared). We're encouraged from birth to put ourselves ahead of others in order to gain an advantage. We are taught to create our own brand; anonymity means we're irrelevant. This is difficult because, as human beings, we all want something for ourselves; the brain just works that way.

The ideas of selflessness and selfishness seem to be closely related. They also resemble the mystery of whether the chicken or the egg came first. We can do a selfless deed and not expect anything in return, but we get a great feeling from helping another person. Thus, we ultimately benefit in the end, and we know we will always receive this feeling. Is this selfish in itself? Is recovery in AA a selfish endeavor?

Another fascinating concept of Step No. 12 is "principles before personalities." We must treat people the same, no matter our level of dislike for them. Honor, respect, loyalty, patience, understanding. We must listen to the message, and not the messenger.

25/2 - This blog has mentioned chakras once, how my discovery of a fear and subsequent release of that fear was like opening one of the body's seven major chakras. It seems that, throughout 2017, I've been clearing out a couple of these chakras with my release of self-guilt and shame. With the commitment to accepting myself and all of my various flaws, telling others about my feelings for them and being totally honest and open, more of these energy centers are receiving attention.

Unintentionally, I've been helping myself spiritually these past few months. I've never been a spiritual person in any sense of the word, and the fact that I'm studying ideas from AA, spirituality, existentialism...would have been surprising to me back in October. I think the aforementioned story of my haircut highlights that, because my own view of myself is changing.

Something has clicked.

Thoughts about memory and my inner wolf

19/2 - I recently wrote about a woman I broke up with a few years ago before Valentines Day. I wrote how all I can do is laugh at my own harsh treatment of her, how I was cold.

Now let me tell you why this is fucking stupid, and how our own memory fails us.

I seem to beat myself up much more than necessary these days, regardless of the situation. I need to remember that sometimes the outside details, such as the fact her grandfather had recently passed away, are not my fault! It's terrible that happened, but I don't need to stay with someone because of that.

This morning, I saw her picture on Facebook for the first time in three or four years and suddenly remembered why I wasn't attracted to her.

Ultimately, this doesn't matter because it was in 2014. It was the past. This is only in my mind because I've invited it to stay; I've given it power. The same goes with what happened to Stella. It doesn't matter anymore. The past is bullshit, an abstract idea concocted by the human mind.

What does matter is that it was sunny and warm in Cherbourg today. What's relevant is that I can hear church bells while sitting in Parc Emmanuel Liais while hearing birds chirp. What matters is that I live in Europe and that I can learn every day. Right here right now is what's relevant.

Fuck feeling ashamed about what I did in the past. I made mistakes. Cool. But I don't need to keep carrying them around with me.

Ultimately, I'm holding on to this self-guilt for no reason other than because I can. It's some seriously mentally weak shit, and I'm pissed off that I keep this guilt within myself and am holding myself back! This guilt is like a collar, lead and muzzle around the neck and face of this wolf. Wolves don't enjoy that shit, and neither do I.

Do wolves dwell on the past? Do wolves doubt themselves in the present based on that one time they were unable to secure a kill? Of course not, and neither should I.

This is a reminder that memory is unreliable. Memory is fluid, constantly changing. Like how the mind constantly evolves with each new experience, our memory is in a perpetual state of flux with the passage of time. It will never be the same as what actually happened. We will never remember ourselves exactly how we were in the past.

In my case, I've been fooled by my own memory of myself. My mind has led me to believe that I was a shithead in the past who hurt anyone who crossed my path. This is untrue, and it always has been.

What I know now is that I have defined myself in the present based on my past actions. But the influence the past has is overstated. The lessons I learned will always stay with me, but I am not me from the past. I am me, right now, sitting on this bench in the park. I will choose to do the right thing that is relevant for today, this evening, this afternoon. I shall define myself based on what I know about myself today.

I do know that I have fears that have controlled me in the past. I know that I have anger. But I also know that the man today will not succumb to either like the man in the past did. Those fears and anger will never vanish, rather they will always be with me. However, I control them instead of them controlling me.

It's now almost six months since I left the newspaper. The person who was ashamed and embarrassed of his own performance is still there six months ago, whereas I am here right now. We are two different people. One exists...the other does only in constantly evolving memory. I am no longer him.

Valentines Day memories, another fear and a Friends reference

My head spins. Writing this was difficult. I wasn't emotional, but rather it's a subject that floats just outside of my understanding. 

13/2 - Politeness is a gag. Social pressure ties our shoelaces to each other and our hands behinds our backs. The expectations of others form the quicksand in which we're trapped. The high expectations of ourselves form the blindfold which shields our eyes. Guilt is oppression, comparison creates an invisible barrier and falsehoods are landmines, because they harm both ourselves and others.

The willingness to avoid expressing feelings is actually a self-destructive device attached by a tight chain around the throat. Societal "normalcy" is a farce. It's a costume the theater production in which we all have a role.

Remove all of it. What remains?

This is the question I face. Who am I? How do I describe that unencumbered feeling I have while riding a motorcycle, other than it's the greatest high I can think of?

I cannot answer definitively because I'm too wrapped up in self-shame, guilt and impossible expectations of myself. I'm held down by the societal "norms" with which I have been conditioned since birth. I'm limited by learned connotations of certain words.

I have said that I'm selfish. That I'm ashamed of myself and my past actions. That my trek to France was selfish in nature. That I wish to experience selflessness! But as Joey Tribbiani once said to Phoebe Buffay much to her disagreement, there is no such thing as a selfless good deed.

Everything we do is selfish. We wander through life searching for the warm and fuzzy feeling that follows when we do a good deed for another soul, thus making it all about ourselves.

The vicious circle.

But there is good selfish, and bad. My decision to come to France was selfish, but because it was something that I needed to do for myself. It was essential, a need, like water, food and shelter. The way I describe my own selfishness, though, has been tinged with the negative connotation due to my tendency to beat myself up.

Because of this, another question comes to mind. How can we truly know who or what we are when we are hopelessly contaminated by self-bias? How do we know what's actually true and real about ourselves? How do we actually know if we're generous or courageous? Loving and adventurous? Brave or cowardly? What is actually real?

And a thought just hit me. Specific details about something I can't fathom are unimportant. What matters is what I know, right here right now.

So, my name is Michael. I'm 26 years old. I'm a writer. I'm a lover. I'm a man who has visited 20 countries and is still immature in many ways. I have trouble expressing myself, particularly with positive emotions, but they're there! However, I'm learning about myself and what I'm doing in this life. I am who I need to be and everyday I will be better at becoming the person I am meant to be.

14/2 - My next flight has been booked. After two previous failed attempts, I'm headed to Oslo, Norway next month. Finally.

I first tried to fly to Oslo in 2015 while I lived in England, but my dissertation got in the way. I tried again a couple of months ago. This time I wanted to fly to Tromso in the far north of Norway in an effort to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights, but alas I was indecisive.

Norway is one of the most beautiful and mysterious countries I can think of. It's the one place that keeps eluding me, like a thought that's impossible to put into spoken or written words. Its sharp and jagged mountains and fjords are like a silent, majestic beast, forever guarding Scandinavia. Like the Isle of Skye in Scotland, the wildness and ruggedness represent me at my core being. Wild. Primal. Beautiful yet chaotic.

The wildness of Norway will grace me someday, but not this time. I will spend three days in Oslo visiting one of my parents' old exchange students and his family.

15/2 - Yesterday was Valentines Day. As a part of my effort to let the past go, I thought back to one such Feb. 14 when I lived in Visalia, California. Instead of feeling awful, I laughed at my younger self and his severe lack of compassion.

I had been on a couple of dates with a woman that January. She took me to a couple editions of the Loud Mouth Poetry Slam, which was held in a back room of a pizza parlor. She was a beautiful woman. Gentle. Peaceful. Kind. Smile for days. She deserved nothing but the best.

She had even shared one of her poems in front of the whole room. She was a total Goddess for doing that and much stronger than me. I never got the balls to stand up and share my own poems.

I'm writing in hindsight. At the time I didn't feel a spark. I wasn't attracted to her.

On our final date, which was right before Valentines Day, I decided to break it off with her so as not to lead her on and play with her feelings. In my mind, I was doing something to protect her from me. But I was also doing it knowing that her grandfather had recently passed away. She was emotional. She needed a rock to lean upon. She needed a comforting presence. That person...was not me.

I gave her the gutless go-to line we spineless men always use in this situation. "I hope you understand, but I think we should just be friends."

She was rock-solid in the moment, playing it casual. But even then I knew she was crushed into a million tiny pieces because I could see it in her eyes...I never spoke to her again. Think about it. I broke up with a woman a day before Valentines Day who had just lost her grandfather.

This memory came back to me because I wish to make peace with it. It's part of my past and I accept it. I accept that I was (and am, to an extent) cold. I don't mean to be. Sometimes my actions just signify that I'm a jerk. So, please, laugh at my past. I definitely am.

And recall to the first paragraph in this post when I wrote about "the expectations of ourselves," because this is important. I have such high expectations of myself that I'm afraid of letting myself down. It's a fear! 

I write about myself as if I'm a scumbag who hasn't even remotely come close to minimum expectations. There are ideas in my head about what I should be doing at this point in my life, and none of them feature me in my current situation. I do compare myself to others and what they've accomplished.

Discard all of that. Time to rewire my thinking.

This is not a race. I'm exactly where I should be, nowhere else. I was meant to move to France and meet the most interesting person in the world, to know him on a deep level:

Me.

Suddenly, the sole purpose of learning French seems so shallow now.

Until next time.