Fears, freelance and crepes

26/1 - In my Nov. 6, 2016 post, I wrote that my sole purpose in France is to learn French. Within the past few days, I've come to understand that my reasons for being here go much deeper than that.

I wrote that I may not understand those reasons until a later date. I was correct.

Though I've only lived here for three months, Cherbourg will always be my home because of how it has helped me evolve. This has been (and still is) a metamorphosis. And those unknown reasons for being here back in November?

I've discovered personal fears. I've been able to think intellectually again. I feel refreshed!

I spent a year in England, but these past three months on the south side of the English Channel have been more fulfilling, as if I've spent years here. This is truly the time when I tapped into my inner Self and seriously examined it, finding aspects about myself I never explored before.

My goal for 2017 is to iron out these parts of me, such as conquering my revulsion to intimate vulnerability. I've had such bad luck in the past with relationships that it has developed into a legitimate fear, like a fungus, and this is why I choose to safeguard myself rather than try. Affirmative thinking possessed me, and led me to the belief that I am not supposed to find happiness within a relationship; that was only for other people to experience.

The discovery of this corner of my psyche was emotional because I am choosing to let it go, to clear it out. It was intense. Compare it to clearing out a blocked chakra, which is a center in the body where spiritual energy flows.

When I had this revelation, I imagined myself squeezing the hell out of a pencil in my hand, holding it away from my body with a straight arm. Eventually it gets uncomfortable. But the only thing holding that pencil inside my hand is...my own hand. I chose to drop it. My fear was like that pencil.

I felt clear. I felt positive. I felt relieved.

Many other valuable ideas have come to my attention - Energy and intensity, the concept of respect, taking life for granted, humility. My time in Cherbourg has truly been sobering and humbling.

Writing is fun again. I arrived in Cherbourg broken, but the opportunity to step back to the sideline of the rat race of life has been so beneficial to me that I can't adequately put into words. I am seriously recharged, and excited to reenter the real world to apply all that I've learned here in Europe.

I arrived with a shallow desire of living abroad once again, to simply live in a different country, with the selfish purpose of traveling more. The time for me to leave France, whenever that point comes, will not be a disappointment. I will have been (and am) a changed man having experienced a bit of enlightenment.

I've experienced and learned much more than I ever imagined.

27/1 - While having a cup of coffee at the cafe today, I was entranced by the woman making crepes and goufres (Belgian waffles) 15 feet away from me.

She had blond hair tied back behind her head and a black sweater. She was a one-woman wrecking crew, as efficient as possible. She handled cash from a steady flow of customers, even while the crepes took shape and the waffles solidified from liquefied batter.

After she poured batter on the circular hot plate and used a wooden tool in the shape of a "T" to evenly spread it, I saw how steam shrouded the plate and rose into her face, making each as unclear as the distant future. It was a transformation with the help of heat, of energy. I imagined the molecules solidifying, their physical characteristics evolving into a different state of being.

I watched her expertly handle a long, flat, steel tool to flip the crepes onto their uncooked side, flipping the instrument itself to help roll the crepe flat. She fearlessly folded the crepe with bare hands while still on the hot surface. Each squirt of chocolate sauce or powdered sugar was in her muscle memory.

This woman was a crepe-making virtuoso, hypnotizing those nearby with her expertise in creating this French staple. It was a form of art. 

I had a brain wave.

I'm like one of those crepes. My time in France represents the cooking time for the batter to become solid. I'll eventually return as a work of art.

31/1 - Throughout college, the concept of freelance writing and editing never appealed to me because I was always one who preferred a constant, steady job. So, I never gave it serious thought or consideration.

The developments of earlier this month during my three-country trip necessitated investigation into freelance. This is actually the best time for me to give it a go because I'm in a place where it's difficult to find a steady job. It's the time when I must adapt, and this means freelance.

Friends have suggested two freelance websites, and suddenly the prospect of staying in France seems not only possible, but positively simple...

Within the past several days, excitement for the future has flared up inside me, like a lantern. Even the study of French, helped along by the availability of national newspapers in the library, has been more fun as of late. The instances of me completely forgetting how to speak French are more rare, and it's beginning to flow naturally.

I'm bursting at the seams with positivity. My smile stretches beyond the confines of my face these days.

Nous sommes ici parce que c'est là que nous sommes supposés être

We're here because it's where we're supposed to be.