19/2 - I recently wrote about a woman I broke up with a few years ago before Valentines Day. I wrote how all I can do is laugh at my own harsh treatment of her, how I was cold.
Now let me tell you why this is fucking stupid, and how our own memory fails us.
I seem to beat myself up much more than necessary these days, regardless of the situation. I need to remember that sometimes the outside details, such as the fact her grandfather had recently passed away, are not my fault! It's terrible that happened, but I don't need to stay with someone because of that.
This morning, I saw her picture on Facebook for the first time in three or four years and suddenly remembered why I wasn't attracted to her.
Ultimately, this doesn't matter because it was in 2014. It was the past. This is only in my mind because I've invited it to stay; I've given it power. The same goes with what happened to Stella. It doesn't matter anymore. The past is bullshit, an abstract idea concocted by the human mind.
What does matter is that it was sunny and warm in Cherbourg today. What's relevant is that I can hear church bells while sitting in Parc Emmanuel Liais while hearing birds chirp. What matters is that I live in Europe and that I can learn every day. Right here right now is what's relevant.
Fuck feeling ashamed about what I did in the past. I made mistakes. Cool. But I don't need to keep carrying them around with me.
Ultimately, I'm holding on to this self-guilt for no reason other than because I can. It's some seriously mentally weak shit, and I'm pissed off that I keep this guilt within myself and am holding myself back! This guilt is like a collar, lead and muzzle around the neck and face of this wolf. Wolves don't enjoy that shit, and neither do I.
Do wolves dwell on the past? Do wolves doubt themselves in the present based on that one time they were unable to secure a kill? Of course not, and neither should I.
This is a reminder that memory is unreliable. Memory is fluid, constantly changing. Like how the mind constantly evolves with each new experience, our memory is in a perpetual state of flux with the passage of time. It will never be the same as what actually happened. We will never remember ourselves exactly how we were in the past.
In my case, I've been fooled by my own memory of myself. My mind has led me to believe that I was a shithead in the past who hurt anyone who crossed my path. This is untrue, and it always has been.
What I know now is that I have defined myself in the present based on my past actions. But the influence the past has is overstated. The lessons I learned will always stay with me, but I am not me from the past. I am me, right now, sitting on this bench in the park. I will choose to do the right thing that is relevant for today, this evening, this afternoon. I shall define myself based on what I know about myself today.
I do know that I have fears that have controlled me in the past. I know that I have anger. But I also know that the man today will not succumb to either like the man in the past did. Those fears and anger will never vanish, rather they will always be with me. However, I control them instead of them controlling me.
It's now almost six months since I left the newspaper. The person who was ashamed and embarrassed of his own performance is still there six months ago, whereas I am here right now. We are two different people. One exists...the other does only in constantly evolving memory. I am no longer him.
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